Rockies
Relationship
Relationship is one of the heaviest elements.
How people think and feel about each other often predetermines negotiation outcomes. Our relationships with others, however, are an extension of our relationship to our self (for more here check out William Ury’s Getting to Yes with Yourself and Erica Ariel Fox’s Winning from Within). Within our families we’ve developed different attachment styles which influence the patterns of our behavior (for more here check out Napier and Whitaker’s The Family Crucible). What we’re really talking about is our attachment styles. Our early conflict patterns write the blueprint for our future relationships and manifest in the organizations we’re a part of.
To more deeply understand your patterns of relationships, consider taking the Thomas Kilmann Assesment (which is roughly $45/person) or try the free version from the US Institute of Peace.
The history, level of trust, and power dynamics amongst the parties.
RELATIONSHIP:
Most important negotiations are with people or institutions with whom we have negotiated before and will negotiate again. In general, a strong working relationship empowers the parties to deal well with their differences. If appropriate, a transaction should improve, rather than damage, the parties’ ability to work together again.
The tools for approaching multi-party negotiations:
Working Assumption:
Separating how you interact as people from how you deal with substantive problems will improve both the negotiated outcome and the relationship.
Problem
Many relationships function poorly. Most negotiations are episodes in an ongoing relationship between two individuals or organizations. The relationship – the behavior you use to cope with differences as they arise – determines how efficient and profitable the relationship will be. Too often, relationships break down just when you need them the most - when you encounter serious problems. With a successful relationship, you should be able to handle even the most severe disputes while maintaining confidence in your ability to handle future disputes.
Cause
People entangle the relationship with the substance. Relationship issues concern the way people deal with others: logically or emotionally, clearly or ambiguously, honestly or deceptively. Substantive issues are the subjects of discrete negotiations: the length of a project, the fee for services, the terms of a contract. Relationships tend to function less well when parties mix relationship with substance.
Making the relationship contingent on substantive concessions gives the other party little incentive to maintain the relationship. At other times, you let short-term substantive concerns dominate your interest in a long-term relationship. Acting emotionally or coercively damages your ability to deal more constructively with other issues.
When you perceive others to be disregarding the relationship, you often may try to protect yourself and punish them by responding in kind. If they are unreliable, you will be too. You get angry, stop listening, deceive, resort to coercion, denigrate their concerns, and put the worst interpretation on their actions when they do the same.
Approach
Two key steps
Separate relationship issues from substantive issues. Deal with each independently. Weigh your long-term interests in a successful working relationship. Avoid holding the relationship hostage to gain on substance (or having it held).
Be unconditionally constructive on relationship issues. Your actions should strengthen every element of the working relationship without sacrificing substantive concerns, regardless of the behavior of the other negotiator.
Consider These Guidelines
Rationality: Even if they act emotionally, balance emotions with reason.
Understanding: Even if they misunderstand you, try to understand them.
Communication: Even if they are not listening, consult them on relevant matters.
Reliability: Even if they try to deceive you, be reliable. Even if you can’t trust them, be trustworthy.
Influence: Even if they try to coerce you, do not yield to coercion or try to coerce them. Be open to persuasion; try to persuade them.
Acceptance: Even if they reject you and your concerns as unworthy of consideration, accept theirs as worthy of your consideration, care about them, and be open to learning from them.